Why Avatar Sucked Ass -spoilers-

I finally caved into peer pressure from all around (friends, Facebook, movie-goers at work) and went to see Avatar earlier tonight. I had to sit waaaay up front (not only because someone was late) due to the immense popularity it's enjoyed since its premiere. I came into the theatre with huge expectations since I've yet to hear anything bad about the movie. I knew that the plot was going to be a bit thin but it didn't seem to bother anyone else who'd seen it, and I've read reviews by people whom I thought were just as discriminating as I.

As the movie began to unfold, I was enthralled by the graphics, like woweezorz. But of course, everyone was wowee-ing over it, which is why it was so strongly anticipated. I even gave up checking out the hot guy sitting near me in order to give it my full attention. Unlike others, however, I didn't find myself to be within the story. I pretty much had the entire plot mapped out in my head before I even got to the theatre, so it was kind of hard to connect with the characters and allow the story to emotionally move me. I mean, the avatar guy clumsily makes way into Na'vi community, him and blue girl are forced together, girl falls for him, guy falls for Na'vi way of life, betrays his own people, they go to war, they co exist happily ever after for some reason. Aren't all movies like that?

They totally are and I forgot it was the reason why I hardly ever watch movies.

I couldn't even enjoy the amazing 3D-ness for the latter half because the story was just so BAD. Everything about it pissed me off: how the avatar guy got so mature and Superman all of a sudden, how the girl went from wise to slutteeehhhh for avatar guy, how the Earth-people started becoming more and more evil and the Na'vi more accepting, and how amazingly unrealistic everything is, like how the good guys just don't ever seem to die already. I think that if they only showed the movie up to halfway when the Earth-people ran the bulldozers and the Na'vi were all sad, Avatar would have had a perfect ending to a great movie. It would have exhibited a story not unlike our treatment of the North American native people and reinforced what we should have learned from its history. Instead, we end up watching the Na'vi rise up against the bad Earth people because the Na'vi are a far superior race (heil aryan avatar?) and they manage to vanquish Earth people's fighter jets with bows and arrows and dragons because they're more in touch with nature? WAT THE SHIT?!

In conclusion, if you're a fan of Disney/Robin Williams/Tim Allen/bad actors, you will love/would have loved this movie. If you're a hopeless romantic and you genuinely believe that love will conquer all, Avatar will confirm that belief and make you feel fantastic for the state of humanity.

On the other hand, if you're Jamie or one of the few who are somewhere close, this movie will kick you in the nuts like no other. Actually it kicks you in the same manner as most other happy-ending cheesy movies do, but Avatar will kick you repeatedly for three fucking hours, in 3-D!!1! You will experience quite the soreness upon leaving the theatre, with intense urges to laugh, vomit, and blow up all at the same time. I think my first words were something like "BWAHAHAHAHAAAA THAT WAS THE WORSTEST MOVIE EVERRR OMG IT WAS SOOO HORRIBLE SHIIIIBAAAAAHHH" and then I got dirty looks from everyone else, probably because the movie was actually quite great in reality.

And that is a brief description of my feelings towards the movie Avatar. Please comment on how wrong I am like everyone else has been doing, by clicking on the comment link below.